


Heart to Heart

by Mareel



Series: Always [21]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Communication, Destroy Ending, Epistolary, Family, Grief/Mourning, Horizon (Mass Effect), Light Angst, London, Love, M/M, Mass Effect 3: Extended Cut, Past Character Death, Post-Canon, Romance, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 07:06:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4129182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You mean everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart to Heart

**Author's Note:**

> The takes place approximately six months after the Reaper War was won ( _Mass Effect 3_ : Extended Cut, _destroy_ ending). Shepard's recovery, after being found near death, is progressing. He and Kaidan are at their flat in London. It is Kaidan's voice. It makes reference to letters between Kaidan and his mother, and one from Hannah Shepard to Kaidan. These can be found in [Family Matters](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3911497).

 

"Hey, Kaidan. I usually can't sneak up behind you. What are you working on?"

I look up from the datapad balanced on my lap, a little startled. I thought John was still in the shower. His hip was bothering him tonight after an intensive therapy session, and the tightness gave him a backache as well. Much as I would have enjoyed joining him in that shower, I managed to convince him that some uninterrupted hot water treatment would be better for him right now. I took his agreement to this as more evidence of the pain he was in.

I must be slow in replying. He rests his hands on my shoulders and bends to drop a kiss into my hair before peering over my shoulder at the datapad. He feels warm and solid against me and smells like that new body wash – the bottle I found at a little out-of-the-way chemist during a walk earlier this week. I wasn't sure he'd try it – he'd laughed when I bought it, saying that standard military–issue soap had always been good enough. 

"Mmm, you smell good, Shepard." As a distraction, it's a complete failure, but it does prompt another kiss. 

"A letter? We just talked to your mom a few days ago... who's this for?"

Sighing, I turn and pat the couch next to me, urging him to sit. "Trying to reply to _your_ mother. Not quite sure what to say. Did you send her a message?"

Shepard shakes his head. "Not yet. I should do that. I have the same problem as you though. I'm not good at letters – never know what to say and it always sounds kind of abrupt when I reread it. Yours are much better."

I'm tempted to tease that there's _something_ he's not good at, but instead I reach for his hand, rubbing my thumb over his palm. "She's your mother... she'll love anything you say. Just write like you'd talk to her."

"We don't talk too often, I guess. It's not that we don't get along – we're good. I don't know... our conversations can sound more like situation reports. Or sometimes she likes to reminisce. The letter she sent you sounded a lot more casual and open than the one I got and she's never even met you."

Now I'm curious. "I don't think you showed it to me. How was it different?"

He scrolls through some files on one of the datapads he'd left on the coffee table. "Here, you can read for yourself. I thought you had. Guess I'm getting forgetful in my old age."

I reach over to draw his face close enough for a kiss before taking the datapad he offers. "If you're an old man, what's that make me?" 

His lips quirk into that little half-smile. "You said it yourself once, Kaidan. We're just a couple of old soldiers."

Remembering that conversation all too well, I kiss him again. "I'm fine with that."

__________________________________________________

 

_To: John Shepard,  
From: Hannah Shepard_

_I just learned that you're alive! Oh honey, I was so sure I'd lost you... again. No mother should ever have to see a son die twice. No matter how important the cause._

_I'm very glad I at least managed to talk to you before you did... whatever you did at the end. I know Steve Hackett told you I was working on the crucible project, but I'm still sorry I didn't get to see you before... everything._

_You came so near to death, but I know you accepted that it might happen. What you did had to be done if the Reapers were ever to be stopped. But even as the part of me wearing admiral’s bars knew all that, your mother just didn't like thinking about it._

_I have to say this again – I am so proud of you, son. Your father would have been just as proud. I wish he were here to see it._

_I think about when you were a little boy and I would kiss your scraped knees to make them better. I can't be there to do that, sweetheart – and you're getting far better care than I could give anyway._

_There's no way to know when I'll be able to get back to Earth. I hope this message eventually gets to you, and that you'll be awake and able to read it. Please reply when you can._

_With love,  
Your mother_

__________________________________________________

 

John watches my face as I read it. When I look up, he has a question ready. "Does it seem like there's something missing there?"

I skim it again to make sure I didn't miss anything. "Yeah it does. There's no mention of me... of _us_ , of our relationship. She talks about it in her letter to me, about how she had to figure it out. Why not even mention it to you? I don't get it."

He keeps his eyes lowered. "I hadn't told her. I was going to say something on that last call that she mentions. But she told me what she wanted to tell me and then said she had to go."

What was intended to be a chuckle comes out as a snort. " _She had to go?_ My god, Shepard, she proved she was your mother at least. All variations of the phrase must be hard-coded into your genes."

He laughs, but it doesn't touch his eyes or the lines creasing his forehead. "I should have asked her to wait, that I had something to tell her. But I didn't. That's an old pattern though. There's a lot we just never talked about."

I can almost hear the conversation as he describes it. I squeeze his hand, trying to draw him back to me from... from wherever he goes when he retreats from things he's not ready to talk about. "It's okay, John. Everyone has their own way of relating to their parents."

It's reassuring to feel a return squeeze of my hand. 

"Hell, sometimes that way changes over time. It did for me. When I came back from Jump Zero, I was closed up tight. My folks had to grill me to get any information at all. And what they got was pretty much just the facts, stripped of all emotion. I didn't know how to deal with it myself. How could I think about sharing it with anyone?"

Shepard's hand is warm as he rubs my forearm, and his voice is quiet. "You shared it with _me_ , Kaidan. Back on the _Normandy_."

"That was different. I wanted you to know what kind of man it was who had your back. I trusted you, Shepard. You listened to me, and didn't judge."

"That trust meant a lot to me." 

He returns to the subject of my family. "You aren't closed up when you talk to your mom now. What changed?"

"Me, I guess. My folks were patient. It was amazing, how patient. I don't know, it just happened. By the time I decided to join the Alliance, I could tell both of them pretty much anything. But that changed again... after..."

This is going to get uncomfortable. It's not something we talk much about. But it's important. He's looking at me intently. All I can do is take his hand again and silently beg him to hold on tight. 

"After you died." 

His breath catches. He wasn't expecting to hear that. He looks away, trying to manage his reaction, mostly succeeding. I keep talking; maybe it will make sense.

"After you died, things were pretty dark for me. A lot of guilt... an unspeakable grief. My mom messaged me after they heard the news about the _Normandy_. When I didn't reply, my dad tried. And I just shut them down – sent one message that said I was fine but had things I needed to work through. I think my dad would have understood the survivor guilt, being an Alliance man himself. But there was no way to explain the loss I was grieving."

I reach for him, stroking my fingertips along his jawline, coaxing him to look at me again. "Come back to me, John. It wasn't your fault! You didn't choose to die there."

This next part... I take a deep breath. 

"And I know now... you didn't have any choice about coming back either. As I told you after Mars, I had some growing up to do. We put that all behind us when we talked there in the hospital. Forgiven and buried. But that change in me affected my relationship with my parents too."

He nods, visibly relaxing a little. My hand falls back into my lap, but our eyes are still in contact. 

"After Mars, I got back in touch with them. They were both pretty amazing... said they knew I needed space to grieve. I don't know what they guessed or suspected. But my mom didn't seem at all surprised when I finally told her we were together..."

"I know you're close to her, Kaidan. I could see that even back on the _Normandy_ when you told me you thought you'd take her on an off-world trip after the war." 

He shifts his gaze, seeming to withdraw into himself as he continues.

"I envy that a little. I know my mom cares... But there were things we just never talked about. I left to join the Alliance when I turned eighteen. Once we didn't have schoolwork to talk about, our calls became mission updates." 

"It sounds like maybe neither of you knows how to relate to each other now, as parent and adult child. I guess the only way to get past that is just to try... see what happens. You saw what she wrote to me. She seems pretty intuitive, figuring out that we're together."

Shepard's ears turn a little red as he lifts his eyes to meet mine again. 

"Maybe it wasn't that hard, Kaidan. I changed my emergency contact and medical directive authorization... the last time we were on the Citadel."

I'm not quite sure what he's saying here. "Changed it?"

"To you, Kaidan. If anything happened to me, I wanted you notified. And I didn't want anyone giving you any shit about being with me if I ended up in a hospital somewhere." He pauses before adding one more reason. "There's no one else I'd trust more to make the hard choices, if it ever came to that..."

I don't know what to say. That is just... it's overwhelming. It touches me so deeply, means so much. "With all you had to focus on in those last days, you thought about doing that... for me?" 

He takes my face between his hands, kissing me with an unexpected tenderness. 

"I love you, Kaidan. I knew it then... I nearly waited till it was too late to say it, but being with you... meant _everything_."

He wraps both arms around me, cradling me close, my cheek pressed against his chest. I slip an arm around his waist and we sit together, silently, for long minutes as he strokes his fingers through my hair. 

"So your mother probably learned about that from Alliance Medical when she tried to contact them. Or Hackett found out and told her. She mentions him in her letter. She didn't seem upset about us though. Just glad you had someone with you, someone who cared."

"Yeah. She's like that. I need to tell her about us though. She deserves to hear it from me. You know she'll want to meet you, Kaidan."

I smile against his chest. "That's fair. I know Mom is looking forward to meeting you, too. But I have to be honest – I've never brought anyone home with me before. I didn't... let's just say I didn't have a lot of friends, growing up biotic."

His chuckle is a low rumble against my cheek. "Just so you know, Kaidan – no one has ever brought me home to meet the folks either. I hope I don't embarrass you."

Lifting my head, I hook an arm around his neck and this time as our mouths meet, the kiss lingers. When I finally pull back enough to meet his eyes, I murmur. "Not possible. Ever."

His answering smile has just enough smirk in it to make me rethink that last bit. "Well, maybe some of the volus and vorcha jokes might be a little over the top."

"I'll hold off on those till she gets to know me then... I promise, at least a hour with no vorcha jokes."

"You are incorrigible. And I love you too. Now about that letter to your mother..."

"I'll let you read it over before I send it. Maybe we should send them together, yours and mine."

"Works for me, Shepard." 

Neither of us makes any move to untangle ourselves from each other and pick up the scattered datapads.

"Later. Right now... Kaidan..."

This kiss, deep and urgent, leaves no doubt about why the letters can wait.

__________________________________________________

 


End file.
